And that’s why they’re friends.
This is too damn adorable.
I’m so happy they’re in this game, you have no idea.
And that’s why they’re friends.
This is too damn adorable.
I’m so happy they’re in this game, you have no idea.
You don’t have an ask box nor do you allow fan mail, so I’m saying it here.
Thank you. Thank you very, very much.
And on one hand, it’s kind of this weird relief. Like a sort of weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. A hell of a lot makes sense now; things that I always just assumed were part of my introverted personality are actually caused by something medical. It’s somewhat nice knowing that I have a name for the things that have been making my life hell, and it’s not something that I can just quote-unquote “get over.”
On the other hand, it’s an enormous bummer. Both are chronic, and will require a great deal of therapy to treat. And, you know, our insurance will cover a lot of it, but my family isn’t exactly in the best place right now financially. And this just puts more pressure on me, because I’m going to be kicked off of my parents’ insurance in two years, and I’m not at all prepared to pay for my own.
It’s really weird. Lately, things in my life have felt very “final.” People I’ve loved moving on away from me, my extended family dissolving, my little life seeming more and more directionless as every day passes…and now, you know, this bombshell. I just have this bizarre, scary feeling that my life has already reached its third act, and I don’t really know if I want to know what that means for me.
Has anyone else felt this way? Does anyone feel sad all the time? Does anyone else look at words or numbers sometimes and just can’t make heads or tails of any of it? Does anyone else feel like their life is coming to a close?
I know I’m going to blend in with every other emo post on the internet, reaching out, begging for help or some comfort or any sort of contact, but I’ve kind of grown to accept that. This is my head, you know? These are my thoughts and this is kind of my one last outlet. Because nobody cares about depression, or any sort of mental illness, until it’s too late.
I’m a straight white dude. 24 years old. And as of right now, 1:47 am on Sunday, September 7th, 2014, I’m scared for my life.
The next installments to Nintendo’s Avengers-style fighter has been on the lips of every gamer across the world ever since a 4chan post supposedly leaked the entire damn roster. While some people are hesitant (Dr. Mario again, really?), others are cautiously optimistic and even hopeful (come on, Duck Hunt Dog!).
I’m not here to debunk or confirm these leaks, because while I’m dicking around on MS Paint, there are people out there who could create the next presidential elect on Photosop. Anything is possible. So instead, I’m going to talk about something considerably less interesting: my favorite Assist Trophies from Super Smash Bros Brawl!
10. Jill (Drill Dozer)
Drill Dozer for the Game Boy Advance was a pretty solid game, but I wouldn’t call it particularly memorable. That being said, what is it about drills and drilling machines that are just so cool? I’ve had a fascination with them ever since I was a young, impressionable nine-year-old introduced to LEGO Rock Raider sets. Since then, everything from villainous lackeys to giant monsters have become cooler with the simple addition of giant drill appendages.
Jill doesn’t do much other than roam across the stage, boring holes into fighters, but her look is more than enough to earn her a spot on this list.
9. Lyn (Fire Emblem)
Despite all evidence leading to the contrary, I have played a Fire Emblem game once before. Fire Emblem (another GBA classic) introduced me to the real-time strategy genre, and proceeded to kick my ass appropriately. I always loved Lyn, the main heroine of the game, and was actually really upset when Ike stole her place on the roster. Yes, it’s cool that she was in the game at all, and Nintendo has since added Lucina and Female Robin to their newest games, but Lyn could’ve been the badass female warrior we all wanted six years ago!
Lyn is like the Home Run Bat of Assist Trophies, readying her sword before vanishing and slicing your opponents off the map. I’m telling you, she could’ve kicked Ike’s pretentious ass.
8. Waluigi (Mario Tennis)
Waluigi is such an enigma, guys. He was shoe-horned into Mario Tennis for the N64 as Wario’s superfluous sidekick, and then ultimately forgotten about once Wario got his own world and cast of supporting characters. With his yellow-and-purple-clad brother living it up in WarioWare, and his supposed rival busting ghosts in Luigi’s Mansion, what’s a disregarded video game character to do? Apparently, take his life as a glorified extra in stride and continue racing go-karts.
Bizarrely enough, Waluigi is still shining in the spotlight more than other “made for sports games” characters like poor Princess Daisy. At least he’s been an Assist Trophy, making fighters bite the curb before smacking them with a damn tennis racket. That’s one admirable trait about this guy: he never forgets his roots.
7. Shadow the Hedgehog (Sonic the Hedgehog)
Nintendo will go on record as saying that Donkey Kong and Wario are Mario’s rivals, but the plumber’s real adversary was Sega’s blue blur. So when Sonic was first announced to join the Smash Bros roster, the world went bonkers. Half of the fans rejoiced while the other half revolted, but Sonic’s inclusion was definitely the highlight of the roster. That being said, Sega wasn’t done with their surprises, and gave Nintendo the go-ahead to make Sonic’s own rival into an Assist Trophy.
Love him or hate him, Shadow made for a pretty unique obstacle during a fight, using his patented Chaos Control powers to slow down time for everyone on the stage.
6. Ray MK III (Custom Robo)
I’m super bummed out that I never got to play Custom Robo for the ‘cube. According to the old “Bondi Blue” iMac G3 that stores all of my childhood memories, Custom Robo was game where you essentially built Gundam models and had them fight each other. Yeah, that sort of thing had my pathetic junior-high-schooler name written all over it.
This pint sized paratrooper flies around the screen and shoots people with a barrage of rockets and lasers. And just so you all know, it’s exceptionally humiliating watching heavy hitters like Ike or Ganondorf getting KO’d by a freaking toy.
5. Knuckle Joe (Kirby)
Everyone is all excited that fan favorite Little Mac got promoted from Assist Trophy to full-fledged Smash Brother in the newest games, but he wasn’t the best boxer to burst from the mysterious trophy case. Knuckle Joe still holds that title, mostly because he moved faster, his punches hit harder, and his adorable appearance was too visually striking to ignore. Of course, this could be said for most Kirby sidekicks/enemies…by the way, Sakurai, when can we expect Burning Leo to join the fray?
Knuckle Joe does what Little Mac could only dream of doing: throwing waves of lightning fast “Vulcan Jabs” at fighters before knocking them out with one of two finishing moves…and I literally mean “knock them out”; his Smash Punch and Rising Break will immediately KO a fighter if it connects. Can Little Mac do that? Spoilers: no.
4. Andross (Star Fox)
Am I the only one who thought that Star Fox 64 was the first Star Fox game ever made? Granted, it was a phenomenal game, but I had honestly never even heard of the original Star Fox for the SNES until I encountered this AT. I really dig his appearance; he looks like the silver tile-votiming lovechild of MCP from Tron and Vinnie from Spaceballs. Anyone who can harness that much accidental 80s nostalgia is A-OK in my book.
Andross spits tiles at the screen, and the damage can be felt all across the stage. There is no protection from his silver-plated puke, though I can say that this is arguably the most metal way to die in Smash Bros.
There have been a lot of visually striking aliens in pop culture in the past 50 years, ranging from the adorable Pizza Planet dudes from Toy Story to the downright terrifying Xenomorphs from Alien. That being said, to this day I think the award for most well-designed extraterrestrial goes to the Metroid. A bulbous, jellyfish-like membrane housing it’s brains, and four deadly talons used to attach itself to its prey’s skull while it saps out his or her energy….Oh, and they float around in the air like evil balloons, and they’re about as big as Samus’s torso. If the Predators really wanted to hunt the ultimate game, they’d go after these bad boys.
Metroids will latch themselves onto fighters and begin dealing a hell of a lot of damage. They can be shaken off by resilient combatants, but these evil extraterrestrials aren’t so easily defeated. If one fighter knocks it off, it’ll simply float to another and continue its reign of terror.
8-bit biker gangs have never been so damn exciting. I’ll admit that I’ve never been particularly good at NES’s Excitebike, I always fell over or crashed and generally made myself out to look like an incompetent idiot on a motorbike. That being said, I feel as if I would’ve felt a lot more comfortable if I were surrounded by other incompetent idiots on motorbikes who fell over and crashed. Seriously, taking multiple Excitebikers and letting them loose on the entire stage was already a genius idea, but allowing them to retain their blocky, 2D forms made it all the better. As proof, the above screenshot shows Bowser, King of the Koopas and tyrannical enemy of Mushroom Kingdom, getting mowed down by colorful 8-bit bicyclists. It’s perfect.
The Excitebikers burst out of the trophy case by the dozens and zoom around the stage, dealing damage to anyone and everyone who dares cross them.
1. Saki Amamiya (Sin and Punishment)
I have to confess something: I’ve never played Sin and Punishment. Hell, up until I started writing this article, I had never even heard of it. And yet it’s impossible to deny that this dude (I think?) is the most effective and downright helpful Assist Trophy in the game. He wields something called a Dolphin Blade, which is basically a blaster that did the Fusion Dance with a lightsabor. In other news, that may have been the nerdiest sentence I’ve ever typed in my life.
Saki dashes around the stage, slicing people up at close range and shooting them down at a distance. I wish I could say more, considering he’s #1 on my list, a spot which is usually reserved for things that I could spend ages writing about, but I think it’s best if you just see for yourself how badass this dude is.
Seriously, if you didn’t know any better, you’d swear that he was a playable fighter with those moves.
Yes, the above gif is from SSB4, which will be featuring a slew of more Assist Trophies, some even more exciting than the ones I just listed. So you can obviously expect a brand new Top 10 List once the game hits American soil this October!
Did I miss any of your favorites? Reblog this list with your go-to ATs!
I didn’t have words when I met him to explain how much I love Oberyn… I just kind of blurted “can I give you a hug?” And he was like “sure” hugged me so tight I nearly melted and then we took this photo and I walked out of the photo section shaking like a leaf.
He’s just as enchanting in real life as Oberyn is in the show. Just incredible.
Oberyn and Gwen Stacy? Be still my fucking heart.
DINO DRAC’S 2014 HALLOWEEN COUNTDOWN… BEGINS NOW.
OK, but this is just awesome.
THIS IS THE GREATEST THING I HAVE EVER BEEN A PART OF ON TUMBLR MY LIFE IS WORTH IT.
While I love how this was accidentally framed and set up and stuff, if you honestly think that Gwen Stacy was nothing more than a woman in a refrigerator, then you don’t know Gwen Stacy.
(Or you’ve only seen Amazing 2, in which case your ignorance is completely your fault for watching such a terrible movie)