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Steve (also) Reviews “Spidey Food!”

Recently, the original nostalgia blogger Matt (from Dinosaur Dracula and X-Entertainment) wrote an article about “Spidey Food” (here), talking about some epic food tie-ins for The Amazing Spider-Man. His article is awesome and hilarious. My article is attempting to be a sequel/spiritual successor. Watch me fail!

SPIDEY FOOD 2: THE NEW BATCH

Keebler makes cookies. Damn good cookies. Not as good as Oreos, but streets ahead of Chips Ahoy. That being said, the “Fudge Stripes” cookies were always the “Mom got the wrong kind” cookies. I dunno, they just weren’t any good back in the day. We wanted something we could sink our teeth into, something that wouldn’t dissolve after being emerged in milk for a mere five seconds. Granted, we did like the fact that we could stick our fingers in the holes and eat them like a delicious ring, but other than that, Fudge Stripes were never a terribly welcome addition to our snack cupboard.

And I just realized how dirty that last sentence sounded. Moving on…

That being said, I really didn’t want to pass these up. And, really, there’s absolutely nothing special about them. I mean, yeah, the cookie is red. Like Spider-Man’s costume. I get it. But the “fudge stripes” are still brown. If anything, they should’ve made the fudge stripes white, like webs. Or something.

Wasted potential, but they did taste a lot better than I remembered. Maybe they’re an acquired taste that gets better with age? Or maybe it’s the power of Spider-Man making these once-bland cookies delicious? Or maybe it’s because it’s so freaking hot here and the fudge is melting all over my fingers? I don’t know and I don’t care. I’m sorry, Fudge Stripe Cookies, for dismissing you once upon a time.

Kellogg fruit snacks. I buy these all the time, and Spider-Man is no stranger to this snack treatment. Not long ago, Kellogg was still selling Spidey fruit snacks based on the comics, with Doc Ock, Venom, nd Sandman shapes. And they were delicious and I would make them team up and fight Spider-Man and it was not at all childish or embarrassing.

Well, since Sony’s releasing Amazing in about a month, Kellogg jumped right on that bandwagon, abandoning the comic shapes to make room for more Amazing fruit snacks.

Now, when I first saw the box, I was excited to see Lizard shapes. Like, one that would be full-body and one that would be a giant, dismembered head. Fruit snacks do that kinda stuff. Plus, the Amazing Spider-Man cereal had Lizard marshmallows! So it only made sense for the fruit snacks to have similar shapes, right?

Wait…three Spider-Men? Two spiders?! NO LIZARDS?! WHY?!?

Honestly, this was a bizarre move. Lizard is this movie’s “big bad”, yet I haven’t seen much of him anywhere. I mean, yeah he’s in the cereal, but I haven’t seen him in action figure form or…anything else. Anywhere. At all. Back in 2001, you couldn’t look down a snack aisle without seeing Norman Osborne’s Power Ranger villain helmet. Why is Lizard getting so little attention?

Oh…right…because he looks like that.

Anyways, the fruit snacks were another disappointment. The shapes aren’t what they could’ve been, and I’m really starting to miss my Sandman shape…

But don’t worry, folks. Cheez-Its are here to make everything better!

Right away, I could tell that this box was going to be special. Look at Spidey’s pose! He’s climbing! Ever since they decided to include his web-shooters in the reboot, the watch-like mechanism has been front-and-center in terms of promotions. You can barely see them in this picture, and even though he still has those freaking yellow eyes, he actually looks like the Spider-Man of my youth.

(For the record, I’m not dissing the web-shooters. I think it’s awesome they’re in the reboot and I can’t wait to see them in action…just not in 3D. 3D sucks.)

But wait, there’s more!

Look at these! Little works of art, they are! The Lizard marshmallows looked like deformed Slimers. The fruit snacks looked like stickfigures dancing. But these Cheez-Its? You can tell that’s Spidey’s head. You can tell that’s his new insignia. They’re so…so beautiful.

(And for the record, the lighting only makes them look stale…they’re actually quite tasty. But they’re Cheez-Its, you should already know how delicious they are. Get your own box, internet.)

The back of the box is…a bit confusing. It’s like Sunshine forgot what movie they were promoting. “Who can we use for this really awful pun on the back of our box? Well, Spider-Man loves Mary Jane or something, so we’ll use her. Sounds good? Sounds good.”

Except, you know, Mary Jane isn’t in this movie. Gwen is. And I know that’s me nitpicking or whatever, but…come on, Cheez-It. You’re better than this.

Plus, the answer to the riddle? How did Peter Parker notice Mary Jane? He “spied” her. Like…”spied her.” Spider. It’s so delightfully terrible and borderline disturbing and…I can just imagine the president of Sunshine lying in his bed, yuk yuk-ing at that pun. I bet he stayed up for days thinking it up, and he’s probably really proud of himself.

Anyway, this is the only upside to having Spider-Man still owned by Sony. Disney has been loud and clear that they’re never going to have their franchises promoted by “junk food.” So if you want any sweet Avengers tie-ins, you better go to Subway or forget it. Spider-Man, meanwhile, is still adorning our beloved sweets, and I’m looking forward to two more movies-worths of Spidey Food.

Filed under spider-man the amazing spider-man peter parker gwen stacy curt conners the lizard fruit snacks kelloggs cheez-it keebler cookies marvel x-e dinosaur dracula no regrets just love

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